“I won’t miss the way she smacked her lips when she chewed gum,” I confessed with eyes cast down and a smirk pulling at the corner of my mouth.
Brenda burst out in laughter, hunching over in her seat. Her dark curls bounced with each body shaking laugh. “God, you could hear her across the library!” A sharp giggle escaped my own lips, and suddenly it was like nothing had changed. Without realizing it, I looked to the lime beanbag Monique always sat in. Brenda must have done the same because a sullen silence fell over the tree house. “Hey, it’s okay. She would have laughed too.” She nudged me, “She knew how damn loud she chewed.”
“It feels wrong, being here without her. I feel like we shouldn’t talk about her.”
Brenda took my hands, pulling them into her lap. “We can’t forget she ever existed. Anyway, you know Mon would haunt us if we dared not to talk about her.” Her smile was sincere, with newly brace free teeth.
“I know, I just miss her.”
“I do too, but we have to say goodbye, the right way.” Brenda grabbed the strawberry Mike’s, popping the caps off three of them. “Goodbye from your best friends, we promise not to let anyone forget the way you chewed your gum.” We laughed again, but I smacked her toned arm lightly. “ I had to, but okay. To Monique, may the guys be hot in Heaven.” She announced, handing me one.
“And the fries be always crispy!” I sang as we clanked bottles. We only sat there for a few minutes before Brenda stood up.
“I have to watch the baby for my mom tonight. Do you want me to walk you home?”
I shrugged, “No, it’s okay, I think I’m going to stay a little while longer. She has to finish her drink after all.”
Brenda squeezed my shoulder and sighed. “Promise you won’t stay too long, and if you need me, you can always help with Richie.”
I nodded as convincingly as I could until she was down the ladder. Then I chugged the rest of my drink and grabbed Monique’s doing the same. I popped open the third, and curled next to her beanbag when I could feel it in my head. “It’s not fair.” I whispered to the bag as I downed another.
Monique’s moms built this treehouse for us when we were 7, but it changed so much through the years. We covered the walls in celebrities and photos of us every year in front of the oak that held our hideaway, covering up the painted flowers and rainbows. The right side wall had the tracings we did every month to check if our boobs were growing in.
I started laughing as I grabbed another Mike and stumbled over to them. “Do you remember when you made us start doing these in the sixth grade? We were so jealous of Brenda.” I shook my head at our middle school pettiness. “We were so shallow.”
Before I knew it, I was halfway through the last Mike. I raised my glass to no one. “I’m sorry it was you. I wish it was me instead, Mon. You were the one who brightened up the world.” A few tears slipped past my walls. “I’m not the strong one, and I don’t know how I’m s-supposed to just go on now,” I stuttered out to the photo of her and I on the Santa Monica Pier.
Rage bubbled up along with the tears, and I threw the bottle as hard as I could against the far wall. It shattered, sending shards and strawberry droplets everywhere. A piece ricocheted back and cut my cheek. The blood streaked down my face with the aid of my sobs. I wiped at it, but it only fueled my anger.
“Monique! Fuck this, I’m sorry. I can’t say goodbye.” I pulled myself together and struggled down the ladder, missing the last step and falling flat on my back. I started to laugh between my sobs, but sounded like I was choking. “Monique if you did that I will get you back eventually,” I called out, pulling myself up to brace my body against the tree hitting my forehead against it softly.
I walked with only a slight stumble, but it took everything in me. There wasn’t anyone on the streets other than the occasional passing car. I stood at the turn to my house and walked down the opposite path to Brenda’s. The knot in my stomach was in its third trimester when I made it to the burnout marks. They streaked about 4 feet long until the rainbow mountain of candles, photos, and flowers appeared in front of the bent light pole.
I hadn’t been here since the accident, murder. “Mon did these people even know you?” I scoffed, pushing all their false condolences out of my way. I placed my hand on the crash site of the crumbled pole and closed my eyes.
“Babe you are way too klutzy to be riding closest to the road, switch with me,” Monique ordered with her beauty queen smile. My cropped debate team shirt looked couture on her with that smile. I let her round me, knowing this was a fight I’d never win. I never won fights with Monique, but I rarely tried to win. There was something spectacular about the way she looked when she got her way. I wanted to see it every moment of the day.
So on we rode with her on my left side and Brenda on my right. We rode that way every day, but today we were on a mission for love.
“So Bren, what are you thinking you’ll wear tonight?” I asked, wiggling my eyebrows.
“Make it simple and go naked.” Monique chirped.
Brenda sped up screeching, “Oh my god stop you guys! It’s just a movie.” We tried to match her speed, but as the captain of the basketball team her legs went on for days. Monique was our straggler. She never raced to catch up, blaming it on being a water sport athlete.
“Don’t be that way. We all know you and Jeremy have been in love since seventh grade.” She called up to us. My side hurt as I laughed along with them. Brenda’s face was as red as a tomato, but in a split second she lost all color.
I ran to the grass and keeled over, throwing up. My back ached from the heaves, a mixture of vomit and sobs. I watched as the tears and blood dripped into the pink mess, mixing in all of my heartache. I dragged myself back over to the pole to lean against it as I cried out for her until the sunset, letting darkness envelope me.
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